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Story
+ Angel Hunt ~ Streifen +
Future Effects
Twenty Years brings many changes...
A story collaboration between Angel Hunt and Streifen
Twightlight
[Book 03 : 04]
“Do…” the white haired Selestarri starts before dropping his eyes down to the bandaged hands resting in his own lap, long fingers curling in the fabric of his hakama pants soon after. “Do you know why they did this…?”
Aki: The Eclipsed sighs. He was rather relieved that the Bright did not want him to leave. He wanted to make sure Lan was ok, that everything he can do, is done. “Because they are dying… as a race.” His words come out quietly. “And because it’s their nature. Angels are very close to their original design, meaning they were made for a single purpose, which was only to kill Demons. Demons were made the same way but where Demons evolved and eventually began to reproduce, the Angels did not. Their society does not allow deviation from their laws. Punishable by death, a long and painful one.”
He reaches forward, grabbing onto his tea and letting it warm his hands while he stares at the slowly rising steam. “Eventually, their purpose got convoluted. They ventured to Earth from Heaven and other races came into play. They are trying to find a way to survive but their stubbornness and inability to bend socially make that hard. In all the ways the Bright are elitist, Angels blow us out of the water in ways you couldn’t even imagine. To them, we are nothing, only a means to a goal. You were probably just a lab rat to them whose only purpose was to try and find a way to keep their race going. They don’t care, and honestly they do worse to their own at times…”
“Jenova… Jenova owns all the means to this, he controls many things but only indirectly. He removed himself from the genetic aspect long ago before I met him.” That is, until the Demon started experimenting with the Gioa crystal and other means to keep the Eclipsed by his side. The more he thinks about it, the worse he feels. “He does not involve himself in Angelic affairs unless they choose to involve him in them. His normal response to that usually means many Angelic deaths as he would prefer to be left alone. He was not involved in any of this and I knew nothing about it. I know nothing of what goes on in that aspect.”
Lan: So that was it… the reasons behind the last twenty years of his life. This race, one he’d never even heard about before he and his partner got ambushed by them, tried to take the man seated across from him and failed, then found him instead simply because they thought his genetics would be usable for continuing the life span of their dying society… it would explain the skin graphs, explain the DNA forced into his system resulting in his own altered genetics and the tests after tests after tests but… it just seems so…
Yellow eyes slip closed and the white haired Bright takes a deep breath in, exhaling slowly as the fire threatens to kick back up inside. Taking a few moments to push it down until it stills, he reopens his eyes and shifts over to pull a long leg up to his side. Sliding wrapped fingers into snow colored strands as he sits back against the intricately carved table as his free arm falls across his now upturned knee.
“I’m glad…” he says quietly to the man behind him as he stares a little blankly ahead. “… that you weren’t involved beyond the association and that I finally know the reasons why…” slipping his hand free of his hair, the Bright tilts his head back to meet the Eclipse’s cerulean gaze, a smile forming on his lips that doesn’t exactly reach his eyes. “I never knew. They never told me while I was under…” turning his gaze back to his front, he shakes his head in the slightest. “I guess they had no reason to waste their words on someone they saw as nothing more than a lab rat so it’s good to finally know.”
Aki: “They don’t even waste their words on their own when they are killing them.” He shakes his head. “At least they didn’t make you beg for your life while they were slowly hacking you apart. The amount of cruelty they are capable of is immeasurable. If you defect from the group, your life is forfeit in the worst ways possible. They will hunt you down until they feel their justice is served. Jun is currently running from that and will be for the rest of his life. Every Angel I am associated with on a personal level is running from that. The good ones don’t get a chance to live long enough to change the rest of them, and as a whole, they don’t want to change.”
“I don’t know why they only took you and killed your partner. I don’t know why they told you we were all dead, but I know if they could find us, they would destroy the islands if they couldn’t control us and use us to their own purposes. We aren’t capable of handling that kind of assault. Even if Zeph became the Seeker, I was forced to take the Oracle position and we combined the factions, we do not stand a chance.” He shakes his head, staring blankly at the food before him that was slowly making him nauseous as the conversation wore on.
“All I can say is I’m sorry. I wish I could have done something. I wish I would have known.”
Lan: Yellow eyes once again slip closed and the softest of sighs leaves his lips, the white haired Bright’s head falling back only a little as he attempts to wrap his mind around everything that’s been said. Sashi’s brother had said something to the effect of Jun’s difference within his own race that day up near the shrine and now Aki is telling him the same. At the time he’d simply reacted, the terror of losing someone else he’d come to care for pushing even the slightest possibility of one of those creatures being different from the others completely out of his mind. It’s almost hard to comprehend that any traces of ‘humanity’ within that race is subjected to worse fates that what he’d endured for nearly twenty years. If they really are dying off, how do they expect to stop it if they’ll hurt even their own in such horrible ways?
“There was probably nothing you could have done…” Lan says quietly, sun tinted eyes reopening to stare ahead a moment later. “And as much as I hate how she died, and how hard it gets to control the things they forced into me during that time… if it hadn’t happened… I wouldn’t have met him.” he will always love his partner from the bottom of heart and he’ll always be sorry for not being able to protect her the way he’d sworn to do, but… now he has someone new he wants to protect. Someone who’s eased up so much of the pain, someone who’s taken a place in his heart and had none of this ever have happened, he wouldn’t be here now. “So …don’t say you’re sorry, because there’s no reason to be…”
The taller Selestarri sighs again before the rest of the Eclipse’s words start to fully sink in. Wait… what Aki said… he couldn’t have heard that right. Furrowing his brows in the slightest as confusion begins to sweep over him, he pulls his arm free of his leg and twists around to meet down cast cerulean eyes with confused and skeptical yellow. “What… did you mean if you were forced to become the Oracle?”
Aki: He’s not really sure how to explain it all, but it’s not like he can hide that part of himself. Aki smirks slightly. “I mean exactly that. If I were forced to become Oracle. I’m slated to be next in line when the current one ends her position if no one else is created who can. I don’t want to do it… for a number of reasons. The main one being I don’t ever want to leave the one I love. Another being I don’t think the Council of Eleven would accept me, being what I am, let alone most of our people.” Lan expression never shifts from his obvious confusion as Aki speaks. He figures he’ll probably have to show the Bright because simply saying it probably won’t help that. The Eclipse slides himself away form the table slightly. This was going to hurt.
“I will show you, but due to an artifact I have attached to my system, it will kick out a lot of foreign magic as it counteracts my own. It won’t hurt you so please don’t be alarmed by it.” Lan nods hesitantly and Aki takes a deep breath, bracing himself against the table. Pulling the necessary amount of magic needed to unseal his wings, the Eclipsed forces it through the spell, wincing hard when the Gioa shard fights in kind, sending sharp pain through his nerves. After several long and excruciating seconds, silver feathers start to slowly form from behind, the normally instant spell taking almost full minutes to perform.
Once the tips solidify and it completes, Aki leans forward towards the floor, fighting to catch his breath as richly colored silver-blue wings, spread above him. The pain hasn’t dulled over the years with each sealing and unsealing, but it does die down quicker and he is very thankful for that.
After a few long moments the Selestarri sits up, turning back to the one before him as the pain finally subsides enough for him to function. “I am an Eclipsed. The first one in almost ten thousand years. I am a forbidden fusion of Dark and Bright created with the help of both the Seeker and the Oracle to become the next leader and unite the factions.” A small chuckle leaves his lips. “That is… until Sashi was created, and his brother.”
Lan: sun colored eyes travel over the silvery blue colored feathers that stretch out behind the man before him, half in wonder and half in disbelief. He remembers… distantly remembers now, the familiarity of Aki’s name… “Bright and Dark…?” he whispers as his gaze remains a little transfixed. What sits before him is an impossibility… or what he’d thought to be an impossibility up until now. He’s not even sure how he should feel about it if truth should be told. Once upon a time he’d probably never have accepted that something like this could exist, but once upon a time he was pretty naïve to what the world that surrounds him held as well. He’d had that veil ripped forcibly from his eyes nearly twenty years ago, though – and this just seems to be one more thing added to a long list of things he’s finding to exist with his new found sight.
“They created you to be the next Oracle and unite our factions…” He starts a moment later, pulling his eyes away from Aki’s wings and shifting them back down to meet his cerulean blue gaze. “So how would creating Sashi or his brother stop this?”
Aki: He leans back a little, holding his wings up and attempting to keep them in a comfortable spot. “After I was created, the Seeker spoke of a prophecy that would serve to bring about the Prophecy of Peace. I’m not one hundred percent on the exact details but it was basically two powerful Dark would be created to unite them and destroy those on Earth. The two were created and the Seeker did everything in her power to mold them to be what she wanted. Like with me, it didn’t work, it only served to turn us against those trying to rule our lives. The two Dark created for this purpose were Sashi and Zephyr.”
The Eclipsed shifts again, wincing slightly as he moves. “Sashi and I were never supposed to become partners, and that angered a lot of people on both sides when we did. The events that lead our partnership to break are because of the Dark trying to get a hold of Sashi and the Bright trying to tear me away from him. I didn’t discover what I was or the true purpose of my creation until around that time as well. We had been exiled and were working our way back to the Bright. I didn’t even know an Eclipsed could exist until I was told I was one. Our people hid it well.”
“I think…” He sighs. “I think Sashi is afraid that once you found out who or what he was, that you would be afraid of him because of the stigma that follows him being both who he is as Dark and also being Warden. I tried to tell him that after all the Angels have done, there probably isn’t much that would phase you at this point. Sashi is a difficult one at times…” He smiles weakly.
Lan: the white haired Bright doesn’t return the smile as he works to put all those past missing pieces in place. If everything Aki has said is true then he guesses it would explain why both Sashi’s name and his brother’s had seemed so familiar back a month ago when they’d first met. It wasn’t that he’d met him while he was still Bright at all, it would be because of this. Halacie must have known too… she’d even mentioned his obliviousness of who the telepath actually was and at the time, he’d thought it was just her prejudices towards his faction –the same ones that he, himself can’t deny he once held. But Sashi… he’d been so scared that once Lan knew he’d leave, had warned him on more than a few occasions of how their race sees him as a monster… he supposes this would be the reason why.
“I guess if it’s all true I should be scared…” the taller Selestarri starts as he slides wrapped fingers up to push at a few stray shaggy strands of snow colored hair that obstruct his line of vision “and if none of this had happened, if I’d never lost my home or the person I loved and my life had never been stolen from me in the first place… I’m sure that I would be.” Slipping his fingers free and letting his hand fall back in his lap, Lan’s gaze meets the Eclipse’s once more. “But ‘that’ me no longer exists and hasn’t for a very long time. I don’t care what he was created to be or how powerful he is, or even if he does end up becoming the one to fulfill that Prophecy of Peace, it won’t change my view of him…” because he knows in his heart what lies beneath the walls that shell over the Dark to lock away the damage and the loneliness and pain and he will find a way to break through so that he can protect what’s buried inside.
“It makes sense though.” The Bright sighs, “Why he’s seemed so scared to let me in, it all makes perfect sense but you’re right –after what they did for all those years, there’s very little that would faze me in the end. One day maybe, he’ll understand that…” a small smile finally forms on full lips as he continues. “Though really I don’t blame him for the doubt since I’ve only been here a month and for most, a month is nowhere near enough time to gain any trust. To me it’s been enough… to figure it all out and to understand, but I do realize I’m not exactly what could be considered normal anymore and so I can’t blame him…”
Aki: “You and Sashi are able to connect on a lot of ways I can’t with him, but he rarely ever lets anyone in. He’s so afraid of being hurt but he hurts himself more by simply not allowing it.” The Eclipsed looks down at the cold food, not really focusing on anything as he speaks. “A long time ago I professed my love to Sashi and for certain reasons; he denied me and told me to leave. Our partnership broke soon after that. I had found out some time later that he had returned those feelings, but it was too late. I forced myself to move on and I met Jenova. I wouldn’t give Jenova up for the world and I think all that really hurt him. It’s hard enough for him to let even a friend in, let alone allow himself to love someone. I can basically read Sashi like an open book because I’ve spent so long around him but that was the one thing he hid very well from me. He is my best friend and I will always love him, but I can no longer be in love with him. That died a long time ago.”
Cerulean eyes look up to meet yellow. “But with you, he has found another, someone he can relate to, someone he cares about enough to let into his life. He won’t admit it but his feelings for you are incredibly strong. He feels that because he is so inexperienced with love and relationships that he will simply do the wrong thing and you will leave. I told him that if he sits and does nothing, it would probably make you more likely to leave than if he tried and made mistakes. He scared. He’s scared of getting hurt again.”
Lan: it’s almost an odd thing to find himself sitting across the table and speaking with a person he knows the Dark did and still does love… even more unsettling to hear that the Eclipsed had loved him in return. Sashi has already told him that he’d broken their oath because he’d thought he could protect him and to hear it elaborated on strikes him somewhere deep inside. For them, it wasn’t a choice to be broken apart – it was circumstance… different than the ones that ripped him and his own partner apart, but circumstances none the less and while Aki seems to have moved on and found a new love he shares with the Demon he continues to speak so highly about, the white haired Bright is uncertain that the other man’s former partner has actually done the same…
Sashi has said that he enjoys his company, that he likes his presence within his home and Aki is saying that the telepath’s feelings for him are strong… but what could those feelings be beyond the loneliness and need if the raven haired man has never truly gotten over the love he feels for this man? Will he ever be able to earn a place in Sashi’s heart the way Sashi has in his if it’s still completely filled by the one that sits across from him right now? The uncertainty of those questions, he’s finding is unsettling and a little more uncomfortable than he’d like…
“I can tell that he’s scared.” Lan says finally with a sigh. “There are times that he seems so uncertain around me and when I try to ease his mind, I only ever seem to succeed in making him more uncomfortable than he’d seemed to be before I’d opened my mouth.” Snow colored strands shift as he shakes his head in the slightest, the Bright pulling his gaze away from Aki’s as he turns and leans back against the table once more. Sliding a knee back up towards his chest, he slips his arm across it again while wrapped fingers return to his hair. “I always knew what to say and do around Hail… but with Sashi, my words and my actions seem to come out completely askew. I would like to believe that it’s only a matter of time, that for now it’s just too soon and that eventually he’ll be able to care about me in the way that you say, but… I’m… not actually very sure…” because if the Dark’s heart still lies on the Eclipsed like he’s beginning to fear, how could he ever hope to compare…?
Aki: The Eclipsed smiles slightly. “Sashi walls up when he doesn’t know what to do. With this, he has no clue. If he didn’t want you here, you’d be dead. As much as I hate that, it’s true. Sashi doesn’t just keep people around for entertainment, you have to mean something to him and before you, the only ones were myself and Zeph. I stare at the two of you and can see it plain as day, where all you both see are convoluted walls and shadows. I’ve barely known you for a few hours and I already can see how much you both mean to each other.”
He smirks. “You don’t seem to understand. Sashi cares for no one. He has walled himself off that much over the years, despite my attempts to bring him out. Trust me when I say you mean a lot to someone who hates everyone. He doesn’t know how to react to this, or what to do. Like I said, he’s so afraid of messing it up that he does nothing. But in a way he does, he goes to you. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t.” He’d like to smack Sashi for walling himself off so much from someone he cares about. He’d like to smack both of them, really. It just seems so simple and obvious to him. If you care for someone, if you love them, then let them know. Most of Sashi’s pain can be avoided by simply letting himself feel.
“I think you do ease his mind. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. He just doesn’t know what to do about it. This is normal for Sashi. He needs reassurance that if he makes mistakes, it’s ok.”
Lan: the white haired Selestarri nods in the slightest without turning his gaze back. “A little over a month ago, I was completely alone in this world…” sun colored eyes pull away from the walls before him and shift down to the bandaged fingers draped so casually across his upturned knee. “And I never once thought there’d be someone like him out here waiting for me…” someone he could love again, someone he wants to hold close and protect, someone who makes him feel almost normal. “All I ever used to dream about was dying so I could be reunited with her.” He says so low that his voice is almost a whisper. “But now… all I want is for this to be real.”
Pulling his eyes away from his hand, he slides them back up before him and smirks in the slightest. “I feel… kind of odd talking about this with you considering who you are to him and what he’s been to you… but… I do love him, Aki.” A soft smile forms on his lips and he finally glances back to meet the light blue gaze behind him. “And all I want is to be able to break open those walls he’s buried under so I can show him what these feelings I have for him truly mean… but, I just don’t know how to do it…”
Aki: He smiles. The Eclipsed is so happy someone has come to love Sashi, someone that Sashi can love in return. Someone who can chase out his demons and provide him with the support he needs. “All I want is for Sashi to be happy and I think you are more than capable of being the person to do it. What happened with Sashi and I in the past is done, and it’s been done for a long time. The love we have for each other isn’t what it once was and it can never be again. We both know this. One of my greatest fears was that Sashi would never find someone who he could open up to, who he could love, and that he would spend the rest of his days alone. Despite the front he puts up, I know what lies underneath. He’s already let you in the door, pushing past the rest will be very hard, but not impossible. Both Zeph and I got there by sheer stubborn determination.” He chuckles. “We didn’t really give Sashi a choice, we were going to care about him whether he liked it or not.”
Cerulean eyes hold sun-warmed yellow. “I think you can do it in your own way. Patience and reassurance. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but you don’t exactly seem the type to force your way in anyway. You’ve been doing everything right so far because you are still here. Just be consistent and tell him how you feel. Let him know there is no right way of doing this and it’s a learning process for the both of you because you are two different people. He will eventually open up.”
Lan: he can’t deny the traces of relief that wash over him when the ginger haired man reassures him that what he and the Dark had once almost shared between them is something long in the past. And while he’s still unsure despite all this, if it’s truly the case as far as the telepath is concerned, the fact that Aki is saying it does put his mind a little at ease.
“No…” the taller Selestarri says with a small shaking of his head as he leans back against the intricately carved table once more. “I don’t want to force myself in. I want Sashi simply to be Sashi… for better or for worse and I want him to let me in because he decides to, not because I’ve forced it. There’s so many small things he does when he drops his guard even a little that I find endearing... but they never seem to last for very long. Yet… he… lit up when you walked into the door.” So brightly and so effortlessly. “…I can only hope that one day I’ll see that same smile given to me as well and if patience and understanding is what I’ll need to gain that… then I’m willing to wait forever if that’s what it’ll take.”
Lan smiles softly before falling silent for the space of a few moments, his expression straightening when he finally continues to speak. “I’m happy… that you understand. And that you don’t hold our first meeting against me the way his brother has made clear that he does. I’m trying… to control all of this, more so now than ever for Sashi’s sake but…” sun warmed eyes shift back again to the wrappings that cover every inch of damaged skin and he narrows his gaze in the slightest, his voice coming a little low. “It hasn’t been very easy and I seem to be better at pissing his loved ones off over anything else because of it…”
Aki: He shakes his head. “This wasn't your fault, how can I possibly hold it against you? I’m actually surprised it’s not in reverse because of my involvement. Zeph is… well, he’s Zeph. Zeph has even given me harsh lectures about how I was only hurting Sashi over the years by not giving up my beliefs to be with both him and Jenova. That would have been impossible for me. He’s very protective of his brother, sometimes to the extreme and if you had confronted Jun, even with not knowing what kind of Angel he was, there’s not much you can do really. Sashi will tell him to back off and he will listen to his brother. Zeph has never been able to control what Sashi does, that’s certainly not going to start now.”
“Sashi and I have known each other since we were very young. We’ve been through a lot together so yes; we do have a strong bond but that doesn’t mean he can’t let someone else in and have just as strong of one with them as well. I more than understand, trust me, you two have my blessing.” He smiles. “Sashi also has control issues and you can both learn together. The more he comes to trust you, the more he will let you in. You will see.” The Eclipsed lets his wings sag down slowly. Keeping them up was starting to tire him more than he’d like. Sealing them later was going to hurt, but he’d wait until they were all settled for the day. It’s been a long one.
Lan: the Bright nods a slow nod, his yellow gaze locked on the thick paper winter walls before him and a little lost in thought while everything that Aki’s said streams throughout his head. He hopes that it’s all true and that Sashi will eventually be able to let him in because he’d promised to tear those walls down, he’d promised to protect him and above all else he’d promised to show him what it means to love… none of which he’ll truly be able to achieve unless the raven haired Dark wants him to in the end.
“Thank you…” he says quietly soon after to the man behind him. “Because you know him better than any one else would, so I’ll trust you.”
Sashi: Steam curls into the chill of the crisp winter air, the heat from the water of the hot spring easing deep into the two Selestarri sitting mostly submerged. The telepath reaches for the long stemmed glass of wine that sits on the rocks behind his back, letting the rich, flavorful liquid slide down his throat before gray eyes shift over to the Eclipsed. Aki rests his head on long, pale arms, cerulean eyes closed against the night’s soft darkness and his own cup of tea resting near the rocks at his side. The Gioa Crystal pulses slowly beneath the fall of wet ginger hair, each beat of the dim glow a testament to what the older man had given up to gain more time with the one he loves.
They’d been out here for a while now, talking of old times and catching up with news on Megumi, Zeph, and Jun while he'd downed the now mostly empty bottle of wine and his best friend remained content to sip tea. He’d returned to the dining room for coffee and dessert, pleased to see that Aki and Lan had made it through the meal without any further upsets. The Bright had excused himself afterwards and Sashi can sense him up near the front of the house in the room that he’d given Lan the month before. Unwilling to pry, he hadn’t asked what they had spoken about other than the obvious issues with the Angels and the ties that both men have with them. It’s enough that they seem to get along since he’d feared another situation like the one with his brother, and the Dark’s not sure if he can handle both of the people he cares about not accepting the Bright.
Not that it would change the way he feels about Lan… however that is, exactly. He had gone over and over the things that Aki had said to him earlier in the day while he ate dinner alone, but he’s still confused. There are so many things about the white-haired Selestarri that make him happy and that he finds himself missing when the other man isn’t nearby. If Lan were to suddenly decide to leave the hurt would be deep, that much he knows for sure, but the rest… How can he tell if these feelings he has are real or if they’re being manufactured by his desire to be in love with someone? If he understands what his former partner is saying, he needs to simply listen to his heart, but it’s just not that easy for him and it never has been. It’s true that he has brought the Bright into his home and his bed, that he’s shared things with him that he’s told so few others, and that there’s a sense of ease and comfort that he feels when in Lan’s presence. This is all so rare for him considering how he generally goes out of his way not to deal with others except during the visits of his brother and Aki or at those times that the loneliness becomes too sharp. Both of them have already been through so much and have experienced enough pain that he doesn’t want to add to it in any way. So if he were to discover in the future that their relationship isn’t based on true emotion and instead is just desperate desire and longing on his part, how could he explain that?
Sashi takes another sip of wine and slips just a bit further into the heated water. Yet to have this chance and to lose it, to regret his actions again as he did the last time he cared for someone so much… The thought does not sit well with him.
The glass slides back onto the rock and the telepath wraps his arms around his waist. [Hey,] his voice is soft as gray eyes stare down at the surface of the spring. [I know it’s not really any of my business what you and Lan talked about during dinner, but… do you think he’s really happy here with me?] Pitch-black hair falls into his face as he shakes his head. [Sorry, I know you only came to visit and probably expected a much quieter time, so just forget it…]
Aki: He knows his former partner too well. Of course he’d want to know, and he planned on telling him everything anyway. Tired cerulean eyes crack open and meet gray. [He doesn’t care what you are, Sashi. I told him everything about us. The Prophecy, everything. He said that if had been before he was taken, he might have cared, but after everything that’s happened, it really doesn’t matter to him.] A small smile cracks at the corner of full lips. [Having a run-in with Angels will do that sort of thing to you.]
[He wants to be with you. Plain and simple. And like you, he doesn’t know what to do or say. You are both in the same boat here. He wants you to let him in so he can show you how much he really cares. It’s genuine. I also told him that Zeph and I got there out of sheer stubborn determination, but he could probably do it with time and patience. I gave him my blessing. I think he’s a little intimidated by the long history we have together. I told him not to worry because it was all over and done a long time ago and the love we have isn’t the same and can never be because of the directions our lives have taken.] He smirks, closing his eyes again as he continues to lean his head against his arms. [I also said that Zeph probably wouldn’t approve of anyone you wanted to be with because he even gave me lectures way back when.]
[He was afraid I’d be angry with him for his lack of control. I said it’s not his fault what happened to him and I obviously couldn’t blame him for it and that you also had your own control issues.]
Sashi: The Dark blinks in surprise at the wealth of information imparted by the Eclipsed, his hand rising from beneath the surface of the water to push at inky black bangs. He… hadn’t quite expected all that. Not that he’s stupid enough to think that they wouldn’t speak of him, but Aki had apparently gone into a lot of detail about their lives. Lan knows about the Prophecy, about the telepath’s history of control issues, and about the feelings that they once had for each other, which probably sits the least well out of everything. He’d already told the Bright about the love he’d had for his former partner, but it sounds like they’d discussed more than just that. Does Lan understand the struggle both he and Aki went through only to fail in the end? It was all a long time ago and those feelings have passed into the affection they have for each other now, but the pain of that time in his life, the way he hurt himself over and over because he simply could not move on, still leaves him with the occasional days where it all flares up.
Dropping his head back onto the rock behind him, Sashi stares up at the stars overhead. The Eclipsed had repeated Lan’s desire to be with him and to break down the walls that keep him separate from everything else, and the Dark trusts that Aki would not lie to him. It means that the white-haired Selestarri is here because he wants to be, not because he feels as though he owes the telepath any kind of repayment. He’d never sensed any duplicity from Lan’s words, but just hearing that he’d said the same to Aki makes him feel so warm inside. [I want to share things with him,] the Dark whispers, his gaze locked on the sparkling sky above that seems so close up here in the mountains that he could reach up and touch it. [But it’s just not that easy. I did too good a job in building my defenses and I can’t seem to get out from under them now.] Sashi sighs and a frown slips over his mouth. [The first time in over thirty years that I meet someone I want to give more than a few hours of my time and you’ve told him more about me in one meal then I’ve been able to get out in a month.]
A fresh cigarette appears in the younger Selestarri’s hand and he lights it, drawing the smoke in deep before exhaling. [I can’t tell if what I feel for him is real or if I’m just so desperate that I’ll lie to us both. How do you know? What is it that clearly says ‘I’m in love with this person?']
Aki: The Eclipsed smirks. [There is nothing specific, it’s everything at once. No one is just going to tap you on your shoulder and say, ‘hey, this is love, ok?’, despite the fact that I’ve been trying to do that. I actually figured out I had fallen in love with Jenova when… I was so afraid that he only thought of me as a plaything to pass the time.] His voice goes quiet and his expression straightens. [It hurt, not knowing. If I didn’t care then I simply wouldn’t have cared what happened, but I did. The more time I spent around him the more I wanted to be near him, the more I wanted to know about him, the more I wanted him to want me in return. Despite the time I spent dwelling on it, I couldn’t simply sit and wonder.] His smirk returns. [He could read every one of my thoughts and insecurities after all. I really had no choice but to say what I felt and ask what I meant to him, because I would never know otherwise. And only when I actually spoke up, did I find out.]
[With you…] Cerulean eyes crack once again, looking distantly ahead. [I had spent so much time trying not to allow myself those feelings because our friendship was far more important. I wasn't going to put you in that situation. That too hurt after a while until I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. Part of me wishes I had said something earlier and the other part of me doesn’t because of where it lead me with Jenova. Even if we did end up together, neither side would have allowed it for long and you know that. Our lives would have always been in danger… differently than they are now, anyway.]
Aki thinks maybe he should drop the subject as not to make Sashi uncomfortable. It was always difficult to talk about, now is no exception. [Lan needed to know who you are no matter what. You couldn’t constantly live in fear of ‘if he found out he would leave’. What’s the point of that? You can’t base any sort of relationship on that. And like I figured, he didn’t give a shit. He knows and he doesn’t care. Major hurdle passed. You have no problems sharing things with me, so it is possible for you. Nothing will change unless you change it or allow it. For you to get to the point where you are even questioning if it’s love… that should be pretty significant. You can’t spend the rest of your life fearing the ‘what ifs’, you have to live it. There has never been a point where you have been so desperate for companionship that you allowed someone near you for more than a very short while, even then, never truly ‘near’ you. Why would that suddenly change now? I don’t even think you are capable of that.]
Sashi: Thundercloud tinted eyes remain fixed on the sky above as Aki talks about the past between them. It’s hard sometimes to think about what might have been if the circumstances had been different, if just one thing or another had altered the way that it unfolded. Those kinds of thoughts were part of what had held him trapped all those years ago, unable to move forward or back and just wounding himself deeper and deeper. It’s over and done with, but it’s not a time he likes to revisit and there’s a bit of relief when the Eclipsed changes the subject.
[I don’t know,] the Dark says slowly when Aki finishes speaking. [The only thing in my life that’s changed is his presence in it. I still write and train and create new spells, I still stay out of the village for the most part and avoid others, only… now I’m not alone anymore.] The tip of the cigarette glows red as Sashi inhales again and ash drops to the stone lining the spring. A long sigh escapes with the smoke and the telepath closes his eyes. [I’m so fucking tired of being alone, but ever since Lan arrived the pain of it all hasn’t been nearly as sharp.] In fact it’s been nonexistent. Maybe the Eclipsed is right; maybe it is significant that he’s even questioning his own feelings in the first place. Most people are really only good for a short amount of entertainment and then are placed aside. There’s no point in even attempting to make anything else out of it because they’ll never understand him or be able to see beyond who he is. It’s been this way his entire life, but not once had he wanted to set the Bright aside. Actually, he’d found himself hoping that Lan wouldn’t be the one to push him away…
[God, I really know how to make a mess of things.] Cupping the cigarette between full lips, Sashi eases himself from the heated water. Cerulean eyes open to glance up at him and he notices for the first time how tired Aki looks. It’s been an emotional day for his former partner, too, and he should have known better then to keep the Eclipsed from resting. [Sorry,] he apologizes, reaching down to retrieve one of the towels from the ground and wrapping it around his waist. [I shouldn’t have kept you up.] The cold winter air cuts right through the younger Selestarri, even as he’s tying the kimono closed and allowing the terrycloth fabric to puddle around his feet. Shivering, he turns toward the house, bare feet hurrying up the stairs to the porch. [I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast, and hey, Aki,] gray eyes glance over his shoulder at his best friend. [Thanks.]
Aki: He smiles wearily as the Dark exits. He doesn’t know how many more ways he can say it. Sashi will have to get through his own insecurities. If there is fear of the truth, then he will never move on and that will hurt him more than just saying it ever would. Fear will always be there in the beginning, because you don’t know the person fully, but as he said, you get over it or nothing changes. It’s not as if he can have a relationship with Lan without telling him everything anyway. He would find out one way or another and people don’t take too kindly to finding major shit out later.
Aki frowns, which is something he will have to deal with himself once he returns with Jenova. He is unsure how that’s going to work. Lan’s capture and his knowledge of it will be a very emotional subject for the Eclipsed and the Demon doesn’t take well to emotional irrationality. He doesn’t know what the answers are, but he needs something.
He sighs, spending a few more minutes in the warmth before getting up to head back to his room and the bed that awaits him. It’s been a long fucking day.