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Story
+ Angel Hunt ~ Streifen +
Future Effects
Twenty Years brings many changes...
A story collaboration between Angel Hunt and Streifen
Twightlight
[Book 02 : 04]
The telepath sighs and crosses the room to lean against the counter opposite of his brother. He set himself up for this, and there’s no way he’s going to get out of it now. [I know I should have told you…]
[Damn fucking straight you should have told me before I brought my boyfriend—who if you forgot is an Angel—and put him in danger.] The younger Dark winces in pain and places one hand on the countertop to steady himself. [And you know what makes it worse? Right now, he’s sitting in our room feeling sorry because of what his race did, even though he had nothing to do with it whatsoever. So yeah, maybe a mention of all this would have been fucking nice.]
Sashi meets angry blue eyes with thundercloud gray and waits patiently until Zeph is done. Without a word, he reaches into cabinet behind him and takes down two bowls, setting them on the large, square island that sits in the center of the room and separates the two of them. [You’re only going to make your head hurt worse if you keep screaming at me, so if you’ll shut up, I’ll explain things.] Sliding the full basket of fruit on the countertop over towards him, he starts pulling out oranges. At the sharp, questioning glance from his brother he rolls an orange toward him. [If I remember right, you need something to focus on when you’re agitated and the people in both our bedrooms would probably appreciate something to eat.] Irritated, the blonde glares at him before nodding once and digging his nails into the thick peel. The raven-haired Selestarri takes a moment before beginning the explanation, giving only the necessary facts of Lan’s arrival and invitation to stay, but leaving out most of the details and all of the emotion that’s been confusing him so much. The bowls fill up with slices of orange before he’s finished, torn remnants of peel littering the space between them. Zephyr rests his elbows island, the white of the bandages on his arms stark against the dark surface. […I should have told you before you decided to pop in for a surprise visit… Sorry…]
Brilliant blue eyes stare at him, the pain within still tinged with a visible edge of annoyance as the younger Dark listens to the events that had lead up to this afternoon’s fight. The blonde says nothing for a long moment after Sashi trails off, just standing there and staring at him. Finally he slowly reaches up to flip the short fringe of bangs from his vision, each movement looking as though it causes his head to ache even more, which it most likely does given the psionic hit he’d taken earlier. [This is all just… it’s odd.] Zeph’s voice is more controlled, although the telepath knows him well enough to know he’s still upset. [I mean, you don’t like the Bright, or the Angels, or other people, and this guy—Lan—he’s all of those things. The ‘better half’ of our race did nothing but treat you like shit from the day you were created, so everything else aside, why would you want to spend any kind of time with one of them at all?]
A pack of cigarettes appears in Sashi’s hand and he takes one before dropping it to the counter and pushing it toward his brother. [Neither one of us is exactly the most typical of Dark, so if we can do it, why can’t one of them? Why not think that they can see through all the righteous talk and propaganda and actually change?] A spark lights the slender stick and he pulls smoke deep into his lungs. [Besides, he’s been through a lot…like I have…]
Tapered fingers trace over the embossed lettering on the pack, but Zeph doesn’t open it. [That doesn’t mean he’s truly changed, Sash. Look, it’s terrible that the Angels got their hands on him, and I know what they’re capable of, but that doesn’t mean you have to open up your home to this one just because he collapsed on the road outside.] He sets the box on its end and takes a slice of orange. [You’ve dealt with people who just show up on your doorstep before, so why is this one different? Is it the combination of the magic or something, because I’ll admit that it’s interesting, especially whatever that third kind is…]
[Fire elemental.]
Deep blue eyes rise from the countertop. [What? Elementals are just a myth on this Plane; you know we’ve never found proof of their existence here.]
One raven-dark eyebrow rises. [Weren’t Angels just a myth twenty years ago, and yet you spend every night sleeping beside one.]
The younger Selestarri frowns. [Fine, but seriously, this whole thing just doesn’t sit well with me. Lan has proven that he’s emotionally unstable and can’t contain the fire magic he has.] His expression softens a bit; the last of the ice falling from is tone. [I don’t want to see you get hurt and I just think that letting him into your home is a bad idea.]
He can appreciate his brother being protective, really he can, but Zeph doesn’t know Lan as he’s come to over the past few weeks. He doesn’t know how gentle he is, or how damaged, or any of the promises that the two of them have made to one another. Promises that he desperately hopes they’ll both keep. [I know all too well what it’s like not to be able to control your magic or emotions.] He’s had years and years of experience with both things, ranging from keeping everything so tightly held in check that the strain felt as though it would destroy him to not having any kind control over either one. He knows how difficult it is in either extreme and how much work has to be put into maintaining a balance. Smoke swirls into the air and Sashi pulls storm-tinted eyes away from Zephyr. [Besides, I’ve spent a lot of time by myself…]
[Aki, Jun, and I are always here for you, you know that,] the younger Dark protests. [If you need something from any of us, all you have to do is ask. I understand that you’re lonely—]
[It’s not enough, Zeph. It was once, but, I don’t know…] Another breath fills his lungs with warm air, seeking to heat the cold places within him that Lan has come to so familiarly fill. [I want more than that… I need more than that…]
Midnight eyes stare hard, so intent that if he wasn’t sure in the strength of his telepathic barriers, he’d swear that his brother was digging through his memories and thoughts. A slight shift passes over pale features and after a moment Zephyr sighs and shakes his head. [Just… be careful, okay?]
Jun: The Angel sighs loudly as he stares up at the ceiling just above the bed he shares with his boyfriend whenever they come to visit. Zeph’s been gone a while and he’s finding himself getting more and more agitated over the entire situation they’ve found themselves in. His boyfriend is hurt, really hurt and he needs care. While he knows that the blonde went to get answers from his brother, answers they both need, about this entire affair, he’d rather Zeph had waited a bit until his head was at least feeling better, he wishes he’d allowed him to take better care of him first. He really hates that they’d been blindsided by all this and he hates feeling so helpless in it all – he doesn’t know anything about Lan besides what he’s been told and he knows nothing about the fire magic he threw at them either… never in his life did he think he’d have to figure a way to defend himself from something like that, not once did it ever cross his mind that it was even possible and he hates that he can’t do shit about it in the end.
He’s going to have to talk to Taz when he gets back, ask him if there’s anything in all of his connections that would give them something to start from… some base, anything at all so he can find out what the hell is going on in Central and what the hell they think they are doing. Because if there’s more of these guys out there and they are all hating on Angels, he’s just going to be putting the person he loves in more danger than he already is just by being close to him. He hates that more than anything and he wants to find some way to stop something like this from ever happening again. But the fact that he’s going to have to get involved with anything his race does irritates him so fucking much he could scream. What the hell is wrong with them, seriously? How can they have such little regard for everything around them and hurt people the way that they do? Don’t they think about the consequences of all their actions? Don’t they think about the lives they impact in doing what they do, his included? He knows that they, as Angels have been fed from the beginning that they are the chosen race and that somewhere out there – there’s a Creator who prizes them above all others but god, even if it were true, it doesn’t give them the right to be the world’s biggest assholes and fuck everyone else that they happen upon up…
Jun pulls his hands up to long bangs with a frown, wincing as the pain from the burn wounds ripples hard across the surface of his skin. With another heavy sigh, the pink and white haired man sits up, his eyes traveling down to his scorched clothing before shifting over to singed bangs hanging, messed over his eyes. His head is so full and he’s so irritated by this whole thing but a bath was starting to sound really good at the moment because with the amount of soot that’s still riddling his frame, he feels dirty on top of everything else and seeing as how he can’t do shit about the current situation beyond riding it out until Zeph gets back, he might as well get cleaned up in the mean time. It’d probably help him relax a little anyway…
It’s going to be hard staying in the same house as Lan though… because really, how can he make up for something like what was done to the guy? Why should he even have to in the first place when he had nothing to do with it whatsoever? So as the Angel rises up to his feet and heads out of the small room towards the bathroom beyond, all he can do is try his best to avoid running into the Bright for now as he waits for his boyfriend to return with those answers he’d gone to get…
Zephyr: Pain floods the blonde’s head, sharp and aching with a fierceness that’s only exacerbated by the unceasing flow of thoughts that swirl through his mind. This whole situation is a fucking mess. He and Jun were attacked by some lunatic, out of control gene-spliced Bright, the person he loves more than anything was hurt, and his brother… God, Sashi… Slender fingers grip the bowl of orange slices tightly, his free hand finding support against the wall as a new wave of agony crashes over him. He needs to lie down some more, give his body a chance to rest after being hit with a psionic attack of that strength, but he needs to see the Angel first and give him some answers so that Jun will stop feeling guilty for something that isn’t his fault.
Slowly unclenching his jaw and opening midnight eyes, Zeph continues down the hallway toward the place that he senses his boyfriend, the paper and varnished wood walls all looking so similar at the moment that he almost moves past the bathroom completely. Steam rolls out in a thick cloud when the door is slid open, moist and humid as it clings to his skin. The feel of a concerned pink gaze is felt immediately, but the Dark waves his hand when Jun rises to come over and instead makes his way to the elevated tub. Wincing as he sinks toward the wooden platform, the blonde places the bowl on the ledge that surrounds the wide tub and lets his throbbing head rest beside it.
“He’s in love with him.” The words pass through his lips with no excitement to the tone at all. “He didn’t tell me outright, but I could see it in his eyes, hear it in the way he defended Lan’s presence and actions.” All these years of hoping that Sashi would meet someone who could love him, who could take care of him the same way he and Jun take care of each other, and this is what it ends up being in the end… Keeping his eyes closed, the Selestarri slowly runs his fingers along the cool, water slick tile. “Throughout all of these years all I’ve ever wanted for my brother is happiness. Every time I’ve pestered him or nagged him about getting out and meeting people, about not remaining so shut away and closed off from things, that’s all I was trying to do, to help him find the same kind of happiness that I have in my life.” He’d wanted Sashi to see that he deserved love, that he wasn’t everything the Seeker and the Bright had been poisoning his thoughts with for so long. Sometimes he’d maybe been a bit too pushy or gone about things the wrong way, but it was always with those goals in mind. Not only did he owe his sanity and life to the older telepath, but he loves his brother just as much as if they’d been raised together like human siblings. He feels it in the blood that they share and it drives him to protect Sashi and to try to ensure that he gets the kind of life that he’s missed out on.
Very slowly, Zeph tilts his head to the side enough to open his eyes just as wet fingers touch his cheek and then carefully smooth back tangled strands of white gold. He manages a slight smile for his boyfriend, reassurance that he isn’t dying and will be okay after he gets some rest. “Sashi’s had it pretty shitty, you know? So I wanted to see him without the loneliness, without the isolation, without the walls. All the things that have held him back…” The small smile slips into a frown and the Dark grips the side of the tub as misery lances through his head from the action. Fuck, he really needs to go lie down soon. “This Bright, though… I don’t know, Jun… He just seems more than a little unstable emotionally and magically and if he really has been tortured and held captive for so long, the psychological damage must also be so deep and widespread.” He’s seen it in his brother, Jun, and Aki’s memories and the memories of many others and lived through some of it himself and he knows the lasting effects of those kinds of wounds: the lashing out, the nightmares, the self-blame and loathing, the way it fucks with one’s mind and turns things so upside down and sideways that it takes a very long time set it all to rights. Some never recover no matter how much time has passed. “Sashi has come so far away from all of that, he’s battled the demons both within and without and has won and I don’t want to see that all return to him just because some fucked up stranger appears at his house and takes advantage of his loneliness…”
A quiet sigh escapes full lips and deep blue eyes shift up to meet dawn colored pools. “So what do I do? Should I forcefully remove him for Sashi’s sake or stand aside and watch while my brother gets hurt again, just like I had to last time? It was so hard to do, to see him in that kind of pain and yet be unable to do anything for him.” He’d felt the same way when Jun went through the shit with Saiyuri and the seal all those years ago and he hates it. There are only two people in this world that he truly cares for and to have to sit and do nothing while they experienced such heartbreak and hardships had been excruciating. He doesn’t want to see Sashi struggle with it all again, but he’s torn… “If he was your brother, what would you do?”
Jun: the Angel sighs softly as long fingers reach out once again to brush in strands of white gold. “I think...” Jun says quietly, slipping his hand down to trace carefully along the Dark’s cheek before pulling back and leaning forward to drape wet bandaged arms across the wooden slatted platform before him. “I think that’s a hard one… really hard because…” resting his chin against his arms, the pink and white haired man tilts his head to the side and meets Zephyr’s pained deep blue gaze with his own.
“Well, because if Sashi’s really in love with him like you think, then putting the guy out is only gonna piss him off… really bad. I mean, yeah, if he were my brother, I’d want him to be safe and I’d want to make sure that nothing could hurt him by getting rid of the potential dangers when they get near. Hell, Sashi isn’t even my brother and I want him to be safe like that but stuff like this isn’t so easy. Even though you’re standing on the outside and can see how fucked up it’s going to be if you let it continue, and even though you are trying your hardest to keep all the bad stuff away from him, he’s not on the outside and he can’t see it the way you do because it’s just too close. All he’s going to see is you messing in things that he probably doesn’t want messed with and he might end up hating on you at some point for trying to take it all away… and while I know it’s not what you are doing at all, I doubt he’s going to understand it.” Because in situations like that, they rarely ever do. There’s too much emotion to be wrapped up in, and emotion, especially that kind of emotion, is usually so strong and so blinding, that you honestly can’t do anything but feel what it is you are feeling. Voices of reason are rarely, if ever heard.
A thoughtful crosses Jun’s features and his voice falls a little quiet as he continues “Think of it reversed – if it were you and Sashi had thought that I was too screwed up back then and had tried take me away, how would you have felt? Would you be able to see that he’d thought he was helping or would you just have been pissed at him for taking the person you love away from you?” Trailing for only a moment, water ripples around the Angel’s frame as he slowly shifts himself closer to the Dark without ever lifting his head, inching his wet form over until his forehead nearly comes in contact with the blonde’s own. “…If it’d been me, I wouldn’t have understood at all and I’d only resent whoever had taken you from me… I’d never forgive anyone who tried to take you away, Zeph… so try and think of it from that point of view. Besides, there’s got to be a reason don’t you think? That he fell – cause it’s not like Sashi just loves on everyone he meets right? Which means there’s got to be more to it and maybe, you know… you should talk to the guy and find out what it is.”
Stopping, a stern yet slightly playful look forms on the pink and white haired man’s face. “Talk Zeph. Just to see what his side of it all is. It’s not like I’m saying go in and take it exactly, but you can find out, maybe… what he’s up to and if he’s just playing your brother or what. And then if you do find out that he’s just too fucked up, you can actually show Sashi all that and get him to understand because you’d have proof. So I say, talk to the guy and figure him out before doing anything that would make your brother resent you in any way, because I think he’d understand your side of it better if he could see it…”
Lifting his head, the pink and white haired Angel straightens soon after. “But before you go and do all that, you and me are going to go to bed for a while ” Midnight eyes follow Jun’s slim frame as he rises up out of the water, heated liquid streaming down his body as he steps out of the bath a moment later. Leaning down, slender fingers scoop up the nearby terry cloth towel and wrap it around his waist before bandaged arms rise up to rake wet hair away from his face as he steps down off the wooden platform. Turning around, he holds his hand out for the Dark to take. “’Cause I’m not having you move around any more until your head eases, got it?”
Sashi: Snow continues to fall as night descends, thin sheets that look like silver streaks of rain against the dark backdrop. Wind whistles across the valley in swelling gusts, kicking up clouds of white so thick they almost completely obscure everything around them. The heavily varnished wood bumps softly into place as the door slides closed, the minimal heat that had been found indoors quickly dissipating with the first tug of wind. The telepath shivers hard as he carries the bowl of oranges and a hot cup of tea, his footsteps making no noise as he walks along the wraparound porch. He can sense his guest out at the south side of the house, the mesh of the magic that makes up his signature bright and familiar after the last few weeks. There’s so much in his head that he can’t even begin to get it sorted out, and all he really wants is to return to the man he knows he hurt the worst today and make sure that Lan understands that he’s sorry.
Shamefully he finds that he also wants to be comforted and reassured himself, even though he has no right whatsoever to ask for it. The calm confidence he’d shown his brother was the furthest thing from the whirl of emotions and thoughts that plague him, threatening to drive him into madness. He cares for the Bright, that’s one thing he can see clearly, but is that all? Is it just a warm body and gentle hands or is it something more, something deeper? Is any of it even returned or has he twisted that around, too? Lan has spoken of wanting to see him, of wanting to remain here, but the telepath’s not foolish enough to believe that it means he’s no longer completely in love with his partner. Is there room inside the white-haired Selestarri to love him as well? The Bright had promised him… but Sashi knows well that promises aren’t always kept, even those made in good faith. What he wants is just to hear that Lan cares about him in some way, that he isn’t just someone to lie beside at night like he’s been for so many others. He also wants to know that he’s not making everything up in his head, seeing what he wants and not what’s real because he’s lonely.
To learn the answers to his questions he needs first to ask them, and therein lays the second part of the problem. He can’t get out from behind the walls that surround him even if it means he’ll hear the answers because it’s too much exposure, too much of a risk that he’ll once again be injured in a way that will never truly heal… The Dark rounds the corner of the house to find the one he seeks on the decking near the hot spring, his lithe form highlighted by the soft, ghostly illumination of the snow. Even with the area immediately surrounding him devoid of any drifts or shimmering flakes and despite the fire within him, Lan looks like a creature out of Japanese legend, one of the snow spirit servants of Yuki-onna with his pure white hair and pale features. The scene is beautiful and Sashi pauses in the deep shadows cast off by the house to take it all in for a moment. There’s sadness too, though, that seeps from Lan and permeates the air. Maybe he should just go back inside before he really does screw things up, the damage he’s done today more than enough…
Easing the oranges and tea down onto the rail beside a pack of cigarettes, he looks up to find that Lan has turned toward the house, sun warmed eyes sweeping through the shadows until they find him. The Bright smiles softly, the remains of the cigarette combusting between his fingers with a small flash of fire. A fresh shiver shakes the Dark and he wants suddenly to be near the other man, to feel his warmth, and to increase the sensation of lightness that had risen in his chest when their eyes had met. His feet are traveling over the snow covered deck before he’s even aware of it, tendrils of heat reaching out to fill the places that were once so cold. Gray eyes watch the steam rise off the surface of the water for a moment as he stands beside Lan, allowing the other Selestarri’s presence to sink in while he works to push aside all of the confusion and doubt in his mind. [Zeph’s all shades of pissed at me,] Sashi says quietly, glancing over at his houseguest. [But he deserves to be. I should have told both of you about one another so we could have avoided all of this.]
The raven-haired telepath brushes wind blown strands from his eyes before the loose end of a bandage catches his attention and he stretches his hand out to carefully tuck it back in. [You… have the right to be angry with me as well. It’s my fault you lost control and lashed out and I know you just wanted to protect me…] Somehow things always end up tangled like this, even when it’s not his intention. That Lan got hurt and lost the hold on his magic that he’s worked so hard on is another item on a very long list of things in his life he’d undo if he could. [I’m really sorry about everything…] Tattooed fingers trail lightly over the Bright’s wrist and despite the disgust he feels with himself at this whole situation, he also can’t deny how much the lightness inside increases just to know that Lan had acted with Sashi’s safety in mind…
[I told my brother the short version of what the Angels did to you and how you wound up out here, and honestly, he’s not very thrilled about it all.] Actually, he knows Zeph is seriously not happy, even if the younger Dark had been the one to decide not to press the issue. [It might be for the best if you avoid him as much as possible because if there’s anything that truly defines Zephyr, it’s the protectiveness he feels toward the people he cares about. There’s no one he won’t hurt and nothing he won’t do, up to and including sacrificing his own life, if he believes it will keep Jun or myself safe.] His brother had always been like that, and even if it’s a bit extremist, it’s an admirable quality on many levels and speaks of a loyalty that’s not seen often amidst the Dark faction. [I care about him, and know that he’s looking out for what he thinks are my best interests just as he always has, but it’s not really any of his business whom I invite to stay at my home.] Sashi’s storm-tinged gaze lifts to meet pools colored with the warmth of a summer afternoon and his hand slips down to lace his fingers with those of the man beside him. [I just… wanted to warn you because…] The words begin to seize up, but he fights it, holding just a little tightly to the Bright’s hand, focusing on the touch and not on the fear that immediately rises up inside him. [What you said earlier, about the hole filling up… it’s… the same for me…]
Lan: A soft shift of the wind carries the Dark’s scent to his nose, immediately interrupting the troubled thoughts that continue to stream through his head. Yellow eyes shift just before his body, turning towards the heavily shadowed area closest to the house to find that grey gaze he takes so much comfort in. A smile forms on full lips, the last remnants of the cigarette combusting in his fingers without so much of a thought spared to it before he reaches out to extend the heat streaming throughout to envelope the man that approaches him now. He’s silent as Sashi speaks, still as tattooed fingers work so carefully to rewrap the bandages that cover his arms before slipping down to thread with his own. The Dark grips him just a little tighter and the white haired Selestarri finally pulls his gaze away, allowing his eyes to travel down and come to rest on the fingers that hold him. Lan spends a few moments just following each line of the other man’s hand that’s so tightly entwined with his, taking each detail and difference of the pale marred skin that contrasts so perfectly with flawless tanned flesh. It’s these little things, he realizes, that have come to mean so much to him in such a short amount of time - these small gestures; a seeming need for reassurance that he’s more than happy to give.
Sun warmed eyes finally pull away and travel back up, the Bright’s gaze returning to the flakes that surround them yet never actually touch and a soft smile once again forming on his lips. [Thank you…] He says quietly, finding himself unable to stop from tugging the other man just a little closer to his body as he speaks. […For the warning, thank you. I will do my best to stay clear of him until I can find a way to apologize properly for my actions.] The smile fades from his features and his own grip on Sashi’s hand tightens only in the slightest. [Forgive me… for causing you all this trouble. It wasn’t your fault that I lost control and you shouldn’t apologize for it or feel responsible in any way. I don’t blame you, Sashi, and I could never be angry with you over it either.] No, he’s angry with himself that despite his intentions, the Dark still got hurt in the end. It may not have been physical, but it might as well have been. [I’ve tried…] Lan continues. [For more than a year now to get myself under control and it seems, I still have such a long way to go before I actually achieve it. I will try harder from now on so that this won’t happen again…] He’d acted without any thought whatsoever, without even giving anyone time to explain, he’d simply gone on instinct to protect this man he holds and because of this, not only did the Dark’s brother and his mate suffer for it, he’d hurt Sashi as well by thrusting all of this upon him and it’s Sashi who is now cleaning up after his sorted mess.
[I’m also sorry…] The white haired Selestarri sighs softly before sun warmed eyes slide over to meet the thundercloud colored gaze rising up to greet him. He pauses, finding that there’s a sudden warmth that fires up inside, that increasingly familiar warmth that blossoms beneath his skin and rises above the fire itself, rivaling even the hard pain that continues to stream through his head. He loves this feeling, such a far away feeling that he’s sure he felt once long ago, one that sinks down inside and one he wants never to end. That the raven haired Selestarri might feel similar to this makes him happy, truly happy. […If I’d made you uncomfortable with what I’d said when I woke up.] But should he be feeling this kind of warmth? What if that happiness is only an illusion? Just another one of those things he’s projecting and will most likely get stripped away… [It was never my intention.] He whispers finally.
Turning to face the Dark without letting his hand go, Lan’s free hand slides up to brush long inky strands clear of the telepath’s line of vision before tracing down the side of his cheek and slipping them along the other man’s structured jaw. [What I’d said was true though and while I know that we haven’t known each other for very long and I’m most likely crossing more lines I should know better than to cross… I can’t forget what it felt like while I was there without you… how cold and empty it had been… I can’t forget it any more than I can forget the last twenty years of my life…] Pulling one hand away from the telepath’s jaw, the Bright’s other slides Sashi’s up until tattooed fingers rest just over his heart, yellow eyes continuing to stare deeply into grey [I can’t forget how complete I felt here when I woke to find you still with me and because of that, I still believe that I’d lived all those years because you were out here waiting for me… but…] slowly lowering both their hands, a gentle smile reforms on the taller Selestarri’s mouth a moment later [But if what I’ve said has done nothing beyond making my presence more difficult than it already has been for you, then I will stop saying them. You’ve given me everything Sashi and the last thing I want to do is repay your kindness and generosity with careless words spoken from these lips…]
Sashi: Caught in the hold of sun warmed eyes and soft, familiar smile, the surrounding world falls away, taking with it the snow, the cold, Zeph’s unhappiness, the problems he’d caused between two people he cares for, and the ruin of his study. What remains is a collision of sensation and emotion, the touch of Lan’s hand intertwined with his own, the closeness of his body, and the heat that fills even the deepest of cracks inside smashing hard into what he feels as the Bright’s words sink into his mind. It’s the confirmation he’d wished to hear, that he is cared for in return and that maybe it’s not all just a figment of the Dark’s desperate hopes. He’s not young and foolish enough to expect declarations of love and it’s more than enough just to know he’s not wanted only for his home, his body, or his magic. So much more then he can describe, really.
Unruly strands of black slip back into Sashi’s eyes as he slowly shakes his head, his happiness at hearing he’s cared for quickly eclipsed by the realization that once again he’s fucked things up and given mixed signals. Lan stands here and says that being near one another makes him feel complete, that he thinks they’ve endured all the hardships because they were meant to meet, things that the telepath has waited so long to hear, things that make him feel special, but how does he return it all? His own words and the ability to convey them are locked behind thick walls and all he can do apparently is make the other Selestarri think he’s uncomfortable. He always does this, even when he’s trying so hard, but maybe the damage really is too much to overcome, maybe he just isn’t strong enough in the end…
The wind kicks up hard, the bite of it absorbed by Lan’s heat, although clothing and hair are blown about and snow swirls around to momentarily wash everything in white. The Bright’s smile widens and he reaches up to gently smooth away loose strands as Sashi fights against the doubt that wants so much to take hold of him. Stepping forward just a little, his gaze falls to the toned chest of the one before him, tattooed fingers following a moment after to touch again at the spot just above Lan’s heart. He needs to speak, to reassure the taller Selestarri since he’s the one who has created the strain and in doing so has made Lan feel at fault. That’s not fair to the one who has been so kind and patient with him and he needs to make it right, even if it kills him to get things out. The warmth surrounding them seems to thicken and it grounds him, allowing whispered words to slip free. [Having your presence in my home… and around me hasn’t been difficult... I thought it would be at first since I’ve been alone for awhile now, but instead… I’m comfortable…] Just having the white-haired man nearby is a reprieve from the loneliness he’s felt for years and after weeks of having him close, he doesn’t want to know what it would feel like to be alone again. [If I seem otherwise, it’s not your doing, just my own… I can’t say things as others can, as you can, so easily and openly. I want to, but…] He simply can’t break through, even when it’s important, even when he knows what he may screw up because of it. Ironic that the very barricades he’d built to protect himself are the same things that cause him so much hurt.
Carefully, Sashi lets his hand lie flat against Lan’s chest, the silk of the kimono warm and soft beneath his palm. [Hearing you tell me things like that isn’t upsetting.] Thundercloud tinted eyes rise to meet yellow for just a moment before the Dark pulls them away again, staring out into the night shrouded trees. [Actually, it makes me… happy, so… don’t stop.] How can he explain what it feels like inside when someone has said that you are special to them? He can barely work the emotion out himself, so how can he begin to describe it? For so long he thought he was worthless and dirtied, that he didn’t deserve to be cared for on any level, but especially an intimate one. He’d spent years punishing himself and being miserable, locked away even from those who love him. So to hear that someone he’s found himself unexpectedly caring about returns the sentiment in any form is just beyond words. The lightness he feels inside slowly begins to renew, attempting to edge out the feelings of doubt. Scarred and bandaged fingers gently squeeze his and the Bright smiles again, the softness in sun warmed eyes filling spaces within that have long been missing. [And if either of us has crossed lines then it’s me, not you. This is my home and I should be the host and yet, you are the one who has given things to me…]
Lan: the white haired Selestarri squeezes Sashi’s hand once again, this time wrapping his other around the other man and hugging him close. Full lips touch in ebony locks and he takes a deep breath in, finding so much comfort in his scent alone. Back when he’d first realized that he could smell things he’d never been able to smell before… smell their blood and smell whatever it was that comprised ‘them’ – he’d hated it, hated how he couldn’t escape it like he couldn’t escape everything else that they’d done to him. Everything stank, everything had made him recoil and most scents had disgusted him beyond words. But Sashi’s… his scent has become so familiar in this time, so welcome. He wants to have his scent wrapped around him forever just as he is wrapped around the other man now.
[If what I say can make you happy in any way… or bring you comfort then I won’t stop …] Lan says quietly without easing his grip in the slightest. […not until you ask me to.] smiling, the white haired Bright finally pulls back enough to meet eyes the color of thunder clouds with sun warmed yellow. [And if these ‘things’ that I’ve managed to give you are good, I will do everything I can to make sure that I continue. It’s the least that I can do…] for everything that the Dark has done for him since the moment he pulled the taller Selestarri from the road all those weeks ago.