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Story
+ Angel Hunt ~ Streifen +
Future Effects
Twenty Years brings many changes...
A story collaboration between Angel Hunt and Streifen
Twightlight
[04]
He felt more than a little empty inside.
He felt worn and old, used up and very tired. There was a time in his life when everything was so simple. A time when he was happy and content. He had a purpose, a reason to live, a home, friends, a partner… love. Now he has nothing… no life, no partner, not even a body that resembled his own. He’d lost everything when they took him… untwining his fingers from his leg, the Bright’s hand slides up to his shoulder and he touches lightly at the scars he knows are resting beneath the kimono without ever lifting his head. Everything…
Curling his fingers around the fabric, he clenches them tight. And just when he’d thought he had nothing left at all, just when he’d begun to give up hope, he chanced upon someone who seemed to truly understand and all he had wanted to do was show some form of appreciation to him for that. But maybe he really was simply projecting… so desperate not to be alone that he’s seeing emotion when there is none. With a small sigh, Lan eases his grip without pulling his fingers free and he slowly lifts his head. Sunlit eyes rise up to the white and grey sheet covering the sky above, leaning forward to rest his chin at his knee. He found it …unsettling that it had been a little too easy to forget how damaged he is both inside and out when he was laying there in that room, caught by the Dark’s cloud colored eyes…
Sashi: A half-burned cigarette smolders between tanned fingers, smoke rising into the air to join the thick cloud that hangs near the ceiling. Eyes fixed beyond the study windows on the snow that silently blankets the world in white; he takes no notice of anything else, not the smoke, not the cigarette, not the cold wall at his back or the electric blanket wrapped around his narrow frame. His mind is focused on the past twenty-four hours, replaying the events over and over and looking for some kind of insight as to his own actions. There are so many ‘why’ questions that he doesn’t have answers for—why allow the Bright to stay? Why break the nightmare? Why attempt to offer comfort and support?—among dozens of others. He doesn’t do things like this, doesn’t take an interest in other people because it only leads to hurt. It was a lesson he’d learned long ago and one of the many reasons he keeps to himself up here in the rural mountains.
He’d never met anyone like Lan, though. Here is someone who finally understands, someone who has lived through things similar to him and can relate. It’s a chance to really have someone to talk to, although he knows that Aki and Zeph try their best to be there for him when he needs them. Yet where they could only listen and offer their support, the Bright can actually understand… or not, and he’s only telling himself all these things because he truly wants someone to be close to. After so many years of avoiding relationships and only dealing with others when he wanted sex, it’s strange that he would want that now, and very hard to admit how much he needs it. Knowing that however, doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t break down the walls he’s surrounded himself with for protection, it doesn’t heal the wounds of past failures, and it doesn’t make him less afraid of exposing himself to hurt and rejection.
Sashi slowly pulls the mostly spent cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply as he spreads his senses out to locate the Bright. Lan is still near the hot spring, unmoved for hours now. Letting the smoke out, gray eyes slip closed and the Dark rests his head against the wall. He’d hurt the other Selestarri earlier when he didn’t understand what was being offered. It had been obvious from the look on his face and the quick way he covered the marks on his body before hurrying off. Lan had tried to hide it again, tried to make excuses, but those yellow eyes revealed everything. He’d allowed his own personal hurt and longing out when he had no right. They don’t really know each other, so what makes him think that Lan wanted anything more than to pay for his lodging? He can’t expect the white-haired Bright to understand that he’s lonely and wants someone to be close to—wants it so bad, apparently, that it doesn’t even matter that they’ve only known each other for less than a day. It isn’t fair to project what he wants onto Lan, either, especially when he’s still mourning the death of his partner. Opening his eyes, the telepath frowns and grinds the end of the cigarette into the ashtray beside him. How does he always manage to fuck things up? Why can’t he ever get through things without so much difficulty?
Long fingers brush coarse, raven-dark bangs from his face before sliding beneath the blanket to wrap around his chilled body. A long sigh escapes from between his lips and he gazes out at the winter landscape once again. If nothing else, he should go and apologize. Lan had done nothing wrong and been hurt for it, and Sashi owes him at least some kind of explanation. He’d spent the whole afternoon in here, trying to find some answers before he saw the Bright again, but nothing is falling into place and the longer he waits, the longer he allows Lan to be upset about something that is not his fault. Switching off the blanket, Sashi rises to his feet, black hair falling down his back in a straight sheet and loose, traditional Japanese clothing draping over his slender frame. Across the room, the door slides open and Yamashita-san appears with a tray holding the tea she leaves for him every night before going to her home in the village. He catches a glimpse of worry on her face, quickly hidden behind the smooth mask of her formal demeanor. Directing her to take it to the porch by the spring, he wraps himself in a heavy jacket and scarf and follows her out.
The Bright looks up as they step from the house, yellow eyes taking in the tall Dark and the tiny housekeeper before turning away. The decking immediately surrounding him is devoid of snow and none of the white flakes seem to touch Lan at all. Yamashita-san sets the tray on the large wooden box that holds the towels and bows deeply before taking her leave for the night. As the door slides shut behind her, Sashi summons a fresh pack of cigarettes and lights one. Silence stretches between them for long moments, the early evening darkness beginning to paint indigo shadows in the corners of the porch and under the branches in the forest beyond. It seems like the whole world is under the hush of the falling snow.
A hard shiver shakes the telepath, the cold sinking into him so deeply it feels like his blood will crystallize. The white clouds of his breath mingle with the rising smoke, and disappear into the gray skies above. Sashi takes a few steps forward and leans against one of the support pillars of the porch, close enough to the snow to be standing in the few inches that have drifted under the roof, but far enough back so that the falling flakes don’t reach him. His gaze rests on Lan’s back, the Bright still turned away and focused on the hot spring. [I’ve been thinking all afternoon about why I said you could stay here when there are so few that I’ve let be near me.] The Dark takes a long drag of the cigarette, the smoke warming his lungs for the briefest of moments before another shiver wracks his body. [I think I was hoping that someone would finally understand loss and pain, torture and humiliation with the same depth that I do. It’s so rare to find anyone who can relate to those things so well, and I’ve been alone a long time with it all…]
Sashi trails off and a slight frown moves across his lips. He hates talking about how he feels and has never been good at it or felt comfortable while doing it. It just makes everything fresh again and usually only succeeds in causing him pain. Raising a numb, shaking hand to his bangs he pushes them away from his face before wrapping his arm around his waist in a poor attempt to keep his body heat close. [I’m sorry if I seemed upset earlier, but I wanted to let you know that it wasn’t your fault. Reading others has never been my strong point…] His gaze turns to the surrounding mountains. [Even dealing with other people has never been my strong point. It’s one of the reasons I live so far away from everyone and everything.] He doesn’t mention the fact that the rest of their society would rather pretend he doesn’t exist, Lan would mostly likely remember that on his own someday. [Anyway, you didn’t cross any lines or do anything wrong and there’s no price to pay for staying here or favors that you’ll owe me.]
The end of the cigarette glows red in the dull gray light as he inhales again, and he pulls his eyes away from the snowy scenery to find the Bright looking at him, one leg drawn up against his chest. [This place is good for healing, so stay as long as you need to. I…] his voice trails off for a moment before he can get it working again. [I might be able to help and provide support if you want it. I know about dealing with the nightmares, and about the fear of the ones who hurt you returning, and feeling like they took something from you that you can’t replace. I’ve been through all of it and those wounds have scarred over with time.] Not like the fresh ones that cause him so much misery, the ones he hasn’t found a way to deal with yet. The ones that had been ripped wide this morning by his own revelations and which were right now aching terribly. [I was lucky enough to have people who cared about me, but they never quite understood what it was like, so…] The Dark falters a bit once again, grinding out the cigarette as he forces himself to continue. [So if you don’t want to deal with it all alone…] Thundercloud eyes rise to meet sun-warmed yellow for the first time since he’d stepped onto the porch. [Maybe we can comfort each other…]
Lan: a slow smile forms on the Bright’s mouth and he nods before turning his head back towards the sky. Yellow eyes remain fixed on the falling snow for only a moment longer before a wave of heat blossoms out from his slender form, spiraling around his body and moving swiftly out to melt everything in its path. The thick blanket of white melts into liquid within seconds, revealing the wooden deck beneath that surrounds the pair and a few feet of the grounds beyond as well. It takes little thought to keep it constant, the turmoil he normally feels inside calm from the sleep he’d managed and the hours he’d spent lost in thought. As if in the same bubble that surrounds him, the falling flakes themselves no longer reach anything in the area he’d cleared only moments before. [I’ve never…] Lan starts after a few moments without turning himself back […never met anyone like you before, Sashi…] With a small sigh, he continues to keep his gaze locked before him, staring at the snow as it dissipates the moment it hits the heat surrounding them.
[When I broke free of that place I was completely lost…] the white haired Selestarri begins after a few more moments of silence [I’d been captive, used and experimented on for so many years that I could barely remember what it had been like to be free. I’d lost my partner to them. I had believed I was the last of us left alive… I didn’t look like myself anymore… even now when I catch a glimpse of me it takes me by surprise because I can barely recognize my own face underneath it all. I couldn’t control my own body after what they’d done and I had no where to turn for it. I’d wake up some nights and everything around me would be burning, myself included at times…] he trails again. It had been terrifying in that first year… to finally be free. He hadn’t known what to do half the time and there was so many days that he’d almost wished to be back inside that lab because for so much longer than he could remember, he’d had nothing else but that. It had taken so much time to begin piecing himself back together. He didn’t know where to even start in the beginning, or if he’d ever be able to. His body had changed so drastically, the simple spells and summons he’d always done before were missing and the control over his own magic was almost completely gone… all of what he’d been before capture, consumed by the fire he now had inside, the fire that constantly threatened to take not only himself, but everything and every one around him that he’d touched…
[After I’d managed to … pull myself back into some form of order, I began trying to understand what had happened to me and what I’d become.] He smirks softly while sun warmed eyes travel up to the sky above. [But how do you understand something you’d never even dreamed possible? How to understand what you see through new eyes that you’d never even thought could exist until it was forced on you? How… how do you cope with losing your home… your people… the person you love, your life, your identity, your magic… even…] damaged fingers slide up to once again touch at the fabric covering his body, the light graze at his back from across his shoulder brief before he pulls his hand down again. […every single thing that made you who you are? How do you understand any of it when you don’t even know why it happened to begin with? I had nothing to live for, no reason, no purpose… nothing at all and I could have easily let it all consume me… I wanted to let it consume me so many times. But I didn’t, I kept living, kept on going and I never understood why… Some days I even cursed myself for my inability to die even after all that because I just couldn’t understand what it was that was keeping me alive…]
The Bright slowly turns his gaze to the man behind him and a soft smile forms on his lips. [I understood it when I saw you yesterday though. I understood it all, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I kept living because you were out here waiting for me, because I had someone to meet, someone who would give me hope after so many years of not having any at all… someone who’d understand what it was to feel the things I’d never thought any else had experienced… someone who I could understand in return for the same reasons...] Someone who could ease the loneliness and pain. Slowly pulling his eyes away again, Lan’s gaze moves back to the sky above them and he slides his upturned leg down, letting it sink into the heated water below along side the other while he leans back on his palms. [I wanted to show you… what this all means to me and it’s why I said what I did. I want you to know that even though we’ve just met, what you’ve done for me in such a short amount of time goes far beyond anything I could say with a simple ‘thank you’. And while I know…] he pauses; silent for a moment before managing to continue [I know that we’ve only just met, and I know that you are Dark and I’m Bright… I know you don’t have any reason to trust me, and you are here all alone for reasons that are your own… what you’ve given me is so much… You’ve returned our people to me, offered me your home and your company … some hope… things I never thought I’d have again, things I don’t know how to thank you for… so I’d like that very much… to be able to offer some form of comfort to you like you’ve been offering to me…]
Tilting his head and leaning himself back, white strands fall away from his eyes as he meets the Dark’s gaze once more, another smile forming soon after [Even if that comfort is just warming the room you are in…]
Sashi: Warmed once again by the pool of heat that streams from the Bright, he can only stand and listen as Lan speaks, held by yellow eyes for a long moment after his words trail off. Emotion shifts through the telepath, flickering between discomfort, happiness, unease, and relief and then back again in rapid bursts. I kept living because you were out here waiting for me, because I had someone to meet, someone who would give me hope after so many years of not having any at all, Lan had said… It concerned him that the other Selestarri would place so much faith in him and had found so much hope in their meeting. He doesn’t know if he can handle it all, if he can be strong enough to really help Lan, or if he’ll break under the pressure. He likes the Bright, surprising in and of itself since he cared so little for others normally, but there are so many days when he can’t even pull himself together, when its too overwhelming and all he can do is lie in bed and cry from the pain. How is he going to be of any real help to someone else? He spoke of being a comfort and a support, but how can he truly do that?
Still… the chance to not be alone, to have someone around who understands things the way he does is too hard for him to say no to. Maybe he’s weak for wanting those things, maybe he’s a fool to place those hopes in a person he’d met only yesterday, and in all likelihood it would backfire and he’ll get hurt all over again. Even with that possibility though, Sashi can’t deny that he wants Lan to be here. He wants to know why the Bright can make him warm when all the space heaters and even his own magic cannot. He wants someone to eat meals with and to share a bottle of wine. He wants… not to be alone anymore. He’s so fucking tired of being alone…
Slowly pulling his gaze away from sun warmed yellow, the Dark pushes long fingers through his thick hair and stares out into the densely falling snow. [They strip away so much from us and don’t give a shit how broken we are at the end or how difficult it will be to repair what we’re left with…] He hadn’t suffered physically like it appeared that Lan had, or at least not to such an extent. If he understood what had been meant when the Bright touched his back, that the Angels had taken his wings… Just the thought of it makes him feel slightly queasy. To be grounded permanently and never fly again was worse than death and had it been him, then most likely he’d have killed himself long ago. Flying was one of the few things that had kept him sane through all these years, one of the small pleasures he allowed himself no matter how difficult things became. Pity surges through Sashi for the white-haired Selestarri even though he’s sure that’s not what Lan wants. There’s nothing worse that can happen to one of their race, no other loss that’s quite like the loss of one’s wings. [They don’t care that we have feelings or lives or people that we love just as long as they derive whatever satisfaction they can get from hurting us…]
Slipping his hands into the opposite oversized sleeves of the heavy outer kimono, Sashi wraps his arms tight around himself in a poor effort to ease the ache that throbs deep inside. He’s suddenly so tired, all the emotion that he’d kept pushed away or hidden from himself now raw and draining. It’s his own fault, so there’s no one else to blame. He should be happy that there’s someone who can understand his past, who wants to stay here, but all he can feel at the moment is numb. Even if Lan can help ease the loneliness it most likely will not be in the manner he truly wishes nor is it apparent if Sashi really wants him to be that close or if he’s just desperate not to be alone anymore. Like the Bright had said, he doesn’t know him or trust him and they aren’t of the same faction, so even though he did offer… The telepath sighs. It’s all so fucked up and stupid and inconsequential anyway because it was only offered as a thank you, not because there’s any emotion behind it. Lan loves his partner, just like all those years ago when he loved Aki but the Eclipsed had found someone else. Just another part of the vicious cycle he keeps throwing himself into time and time again…
Out on the grounds there’s a shimmer of color against the snow for an instant, drawing his attention away from the whirlwind of confusion and hurt that’s moving through his head. The ghost is watching them again, closer to the house this time, a reminder that he needs to go out and see what it wants. The transparent form dissipates after a second, melting into the snow-blanketed forest without a trace. The distraction has allowed Sashi to separate from the despairing thoughts for a moment, and to break the silence that he hadn’t realized had stretched on for so long. Gathering his thoughts he tries to pick up where he’d left off. [For what it’s worth, you’ve come this far, right? You escaped the Angels and learned at least a little about the new magic they forced into you. You didn’t die when you easily could have. You didn’t let them take that final piece of you, even if you did lose hope for a while.] He glances over at Lan, but the other Selestarri is staring down at the water of the hot spring. [I can’t give you answers to your questions other than to say again that the only way I know to begin dealing with it all is to just keep getting up everyday. Eventually you’ll find something to live for, and when you do, hold onto it no matter what. If you really want to live and you really want to be whole again some day, then you will be despite everything the Angels did to you.] Now if only he could take his own words to heart, if only he could find something that will help mend his latest set of wounds…
[I don’t know if you’re right about why you kept on living. I’m not sure if I can really be of any help to you at all even if I want to. There’s… still a lot of damage inside me that I haven’t been able to heal, so…] He sighs quietly and shakes his head. [I just don’t want to make things worse for you…] Sashi trails into silence once again, his eyes slipping shut as the pain flares hard inside. God, he hates feeling like this, hates being so vulnerable in front of anyone, let alone a person he just met. They had both just said they’d try to comfort one another, but still he can’t ask a virtual stranger to just hold him so that for a few moments he doesn’t feel quite so alone…
The seconds stretch into minutes as he slowly locks it all down under thin barriers, slowly pulls himself back together before gray eyes open to find yellow looking at him with concern. Lan stands beside him, although Sashi hadn’t heard him move. He shifts his gaze away and tries to cover it all by reaching onto the railing behind him with shaking hands and picking up the pack of cigarettes. Pulling one free, he holds out the box for the Bright and continues to talk. [What I’m getting at is that you don’t need to do anything, you don’t need to thank me because I’m not sure I can do much beyond offering you my home. Although I would like to be kept warm if you’ll do so…]
Lan: eyes the color of the burning sun finally pull away from the heated pool beneath him when the Dark goes silent, slowly shifting back to find the one behind him. Those storm cloud grey eyes are shut to the world, his body practically exuding the emotion that had tainted each and every word he’d just said. The white haired Selestarri spends a few moments just staring at Sashi’s features before he slides his legs free of the spring and rises to his feet. As Lan moves closer to the raven haired figure before him, a strong longing flairs deep inside of him… a need to be able to say something, anything at all in order to make all that emotion go away, to take the pain from him and to ease the hurt, burning it with everything he has inside so that the Dark will never have to feel or sound that way again. He understands everything, knows it all too well and at this moment he’d do anything he could to stop it from happening even if he doesn’t exactly understand why.
He smiles a soft sort of smile when the telepath finally speaks again, reaching out for the offered pack soon after. Damaged fingers slide over the half empty box while his gaze remains locked with the telepath’s, the renewed silence between them stretching on as the Bright simply holds his hand over Sashi’s, fighting himself not to just toss it all aside and pull the other man in close before he manages to slip them completely up in order to pull a cigarette free. [It’s enough…] Lan says as he moves his body directly to the other man’s side, leaning forward onto the railing a moment later. Slender fingers slide up to light the cigarette cupped between his lips as his eyes shift out into the snow covered grounds. Even if Sashi doesn’t feel it inside like he does, he’ll simply have to have faith enough for them both. He’d thought about it during those hours he’d spent sitting at the spring outside and alone… and he knows there’s a reason they met, a reason Sashi pulled him from the road instead of leaving him where he was like he could have so easily done, a reason he’s standing here now besides him… there’s reasons for it all. He doesn’t know what they are yet, but he has nothing but time ahead of him to find out… and until he does, he’ll just continue to believe for them both. [You won’t make anything worse…] the Bright takes a long drag of his cigarette, holding the smoke deep inside of his lungs for the space of a few moments before letting it free [You couldn’t.]
He falls silent while he stares out into the grounds, idly watching the snow dissipate as it hits the pocket of heated air surrounding them that he continues to maintain. He’s finding himself wanting to find a way to fix what they broke, both within himself and within the one standing so silently besides him. He’s finding himself wanting to be able to ease the loneliness and sadness he sees in Sashi’s eyes and hears so clearly in his voice – the same he’s sure shows through in his own. He wants to be able to warm Sashi when he’s cold, to heal as well as be healed in return. He wants to have a purpose again, a reason to live. He wants to be able to fill in the holes buried so deep inside of him and be able to ease the pain… and he wants to help Sashi do the same…
Pulling the cigarette back up to his lips, Lan pulls himself away from his thoughts once more [Anyway, it’s enough.] he says softly without looking to his side [Your house… your company… it’s all more than enough. I’ll definitely keep you warm for as long as you want me too-] he stops when his gaze shifts up again, immediately caught by an array of emotion he can barely begin to describe coursing through cloud colored eyes. Pulling himself away from the smooth wooden rail, he straightens and flicks the partially burned cigarette out past the barrier of heat and into the snow blanketing the grounds without lending it another thought. Unable to stop himself, Lan steps in close and slides damaged fingers up to touch at the long raven plaits covering eyes now riveted on the floor, gently sweeping course strands away before he continues the movement and touches the smooth tanned skin beneath. He can feel Sashi shaking… subtly, but it’s there and the white haired Selestarri is struck again by the strong need to take it all away and show him some form of comfort just as the Dark’s been showing him since they met. He just doesn’t know exactly how…
Slipping his hand down, his fingers trace along his structured jaw as tattooed hands find the railing behind them in order to grip tight for a false sense of support. Sashi’s eyes remain glued to polished wooden slats while gentle fingers continue to trail over every detail with the utmost of care. […I want to be able to comfort you…] Lan’s words leave him in barely a whisper as he slips his hand up to the Dark’s cheek, sun warmed eyes dropping a little low […to be comforted in return…] sliding his head forward, full lips just barely touch at Sashi’s for the space of a moment before he presses them in for the softest traces of a kiss […to warm you when you are cold…] pulling back only in the slightest, yellow eyes slowly rise up to meet cloud colored grey […so please warm me too…]
Sashi: Lan’s words abruptly end as their eyes meet and for a moment he’s sure he’s done something wrong. He knows it’s all visible in his eyes and he immediately drops his gaze to the decking beneath their feet, upset that he let the Bright see it. He’s so weak and pathetic and Lan didn’t ask for any of this. He has his own issues to deal with its doubtful that he needs any others to make things more difficult. Sashi hates the way his body keeps shaking, but he can’t get it to stop, just like he can’t get his feet to move so that he can go back into the house and stop embarrassing himself…
Scarred fingers brush at his hair, the movement freezing him completely as long black strands are shifted from his line of vision. Trails of heat flare beneath the surface of his skin as contact is made before Lan’s hand slips down to his jaw and traces along it with such care that it makes the Dark’s knees feel like they’ll give out any second. Dropping the broken and unlit cigarette, he reaches back to grip the rail behind them in an effort to steady himself, although the support provides little comfort. All of his senses are full of the Bright as he stands so close: the heat of his body, the uniqueness of his scent, bare feet on the floorboards filling his sight, the feel of the different types of magic that move through him… Whispered words slip through the telepathic link, so quiet even against the silence that surrounds them. Fingers slide up to his cheek and Lan’s breath is hot against Sashi’s skin just before full lips barely graze his and the softest of kisses is pressed against his mouth. Breaking away, the other Selestarri keeps himself close and the Dark opens his eyes to look into sun warmed yellow.
The gentle touches and warmth of the Bright’s lips leave him stunned for a moment, unsure what to say or do. This carefulness is so foreign to him and so unexpected after years of trying to bury everything inside him under violence and pain. He doesn’t want to ruin it, doesn’t want to do anything wrong that’ll push Lan away when he needs this contact so badly right now. He hates to admit it because he should be stronger, but the emotions are pulling at him with such force that it physically hurts. Having Lan so close helps fill the raw aching and he wishes he knew how to thank him for that. [I’ll do my best… to comfort you and keep you warm…] Their faces are still only inches apart and he can’t stop himself from returning the kiss, his hands unwrapping from the rail to hesitatingly rest on Lan’s slender hips. Maybe they truly can do that for each other, maybe they can heal what’s broken inside them, maybe the Bright really will stay here with him… Hope is just as strange a thing as being treated so kindly, but for the briefest of moments he feels it strongly, rising up in him, and he turns his head to rest it against the white-haired man’s shoulder. [I’m so tired of being alone, Lan…] he confesses in a whisper, emotion threatening to destroy the thin barriers he’d locked everything down with.
The Bright shifts just slightly, one hand wrapping around his back and the other sinking into raven-dark hair. The movement draws them even closer and Sashi leans into the one before him, trying to make himself stop shaking and to keep everything from tearing into him again. Lan feels like the only solid thing in the world right now, the only thing keeping him from freezing, from falling, from drowning in his own despair… [I’ve cut myself off emotionally for a long time so that I wouldn’t keep getting hurt…] It had been the only way he could deal with it all, to stop from feeling almost anything because he’d spent too long wounding himself with the same poisonous emotions over and over. He hadn’t thought he deserved to feel things like other people and believed he was tainted just as he’d been told for so long. He’d moved past all that, however, learned there were things in him that were worthy of existing, but he still couldn’t drop the last walls that would allow him to become close to anyone. The telepath keeps speaking even though it feels as though he’s going to cry. […but I don’t want to be like that anymore…] He wants to feel and experience the things that other people do. He wants to be told that he’s special and to know what it’s like to be loved. None of those things can be expected from the Bright, but he hopes Lan knows what it means just to hear him say that he would stay—that he wants to stay.
The sting of fresh tears burns the raven-haired Selestarri’s eyes and he frowns against the fabric of the kimono. He should be stronger than this, he thought he was, thought that after everything he’s been through that nothing could really touch him anymore, and yet here he is dumping all of this on a person he met only yesterday. A person whose entire world has been destroyed, his very identity compromised, and who definitely doesn’t need some emotionally fucked up Dark spilling his guts to him. [Sorry… I shouldn’t…] he attempts, but the words fail and he sighs quietly before trying again. [I’m sure you don’t want to hear all this…] Why would he? They don’t even know each other and he’s standing here saying things that he can’t even bring himself to tell Aki or Zeph.
With a huge effort, Sashi lifts his head, tear streaked gray eyes meeting warm yellow for a fraction of a second before shifting away in embarrassment. [Thank you, though… for showing me such kindness when you didn’t have to…]
Lan: The warmth of Sashi’s body against his, the softness of his lips against his own when the kiss is returned, the unsteady fingers that slide hesitantly over his hips stirs something inside of him, something he hasn’t felt in a very long time, something he never thought he’d be able to feel again. Tear stained eyes shift away from him and the Bright slips his hand free from coarse raven strands and pulls away in the slightest, moving his fingers to Sashi’s cheek in order to turn his head back to face him. Storm cloud grey meets the warmest of yellow and Lan smiles [Then I guess we’re even…] Sliding his fingers away from the Dark’s cheek, he moves them up to carefully wipe away the brimming tears in his eyes. [But you’re wrong Sashi… because I want to hear it all…] his other hand slips free from Sashi’s back and up to the side, gently cupping his face beneath his fingers […your thoughts… your fears… your joys and sorrows…] the Bright’s hands slide into strands of ebony and he leans in, tilting his head in the slightest to once again bring his lips in just so close. [Everything that makes you who you are…] The grip around his hips tightens when their mouths meet a second later, the kiss deepening as the moments begin to pass them by.
In a little over twenty four hours he’s been given their race back. In a little over twenty four hours he’s felt hope again for the first time in far too many years of feeling none. In a little over twenty four hours he’s found himself here with this man… holding this man… tasting this man… wanting to feel more than a momentary graze of smooth caramel colored skin against his own… wanting to feel more than the fleeting trace of heat that flares inside his body when they kiss… wanting to feel so much more than he has a right to even hope for from a Dark he’d only just met.
The white haired Selestarri slowly breaks contact, his hands still tangled in black strands as a quiet sigh leaves him. He has no right to do this and if he doesn’t stop now, he knows he won’t be able to stop at all. [I’ll be here Sashi… for as long as you want me to be here.] Sun colored eyes open and he slips his fingers free of Sashi’s hair, forcing himself to take a step back. The Dark’s own fingers slide away from his hips while his gaze rises to meet the one before him. [I won’t let you be alone anymore...] lending another soft smile, Lan turns around and moves away. Scarred fingers slide the door to the house open and he steps through, slowly closing it a moment later. The Bright stops just beyond it and leans against the wooden frame behind him, allowing his head to fall back and letting his eyes slide shut as well.
Something was wrong… he feels almost empty again. As if he’d given so much of himself with that simple kiss. He can still feel Sashi against him even though he knows he’s not. He can still taste him even though he’s already walked away, he can still smell his scent all around him, feel his presence as if he’s still pressed in close. He wants to do exactly what he’d said… to comfort the Dark, to hold him close so he won’t be alone… so neither of them will be alone, to know anything and everything about him… but not just because Sashi has offered his home and taken him in but because he feels something inside… a longing and a need for him that he knows he shouldn’t have. He’s feeling things he shouldn’t feel for a complete stranger, things he shouldn’t feel for a Dark, things he shouldn’t feel for someone who isn’t her… and suddenly that hole deep inside of him feels so much deeper than it ever did before.
Lan’s eyes open and he stares up at the ceiling for a few moments longer before his head drops back down and he pushes himself away from the frame, moving once again into the house. He keeps the stream behind him constant, lending enough thought to the shifting air in order to keep the area he’d cleared warm for the one he’d left standing alone, despite his promise not to. Making his way towards the small guest room that he’d been granted, he stops just inside and his gaze travels down to the wrappings strewn all across the tatami mats beneath his feet. Bending in, he pulls a handful free from the floor and straightens a moment later to stare at the torn strips of cloth hanging from his fingertips.
He wants never to feel the need to put these back on. He’d doesn’t want to feel them stifling his skin anymore, or binding everything away. He wants to share all the pain he’s kept locked inside of him for so long, to fix what he never thought he could fix, to be whole again… but as his eyes travel to his damaged fingers, he smirks to himself. There’s so many things he wants suddenly and it’s a strange set of feelings to have rise up after so many years of only wanting to die or break free of what held him. With another sigh, he drops the cloth back down and turns around, moving across the hall and into the study soon after. The Bright seats himself near the window, yellow eyes shifting to the heavily falling snow outside as he pulls his knees to his chest and leans his head against the frame.
“Sorry Hail…” he whispers to the empty room a moment later. Why, he’s not exactly sure, but he’s sorry nonetheless.
Sashi: Tanned fingers tighten against slim hips when their lips meet again, soft and warm, the kiss slowly deepening. Hands tangled in raven-dark strands create trails of heat that rapidly spread all throughout his body. Strange as this all is and has been over the past day, he feels comfortable in the arms of the Bright, as if he belongs close to him. That they are strangers makes no difference at the moment, there is only comfort that works as a salve to the wounds deep within. The gentle touches, the kindness in those yellow eyes, and the quiet words all combine to make him dizzy, the flood of unexpected emotion making it feel even more like his knees will give out any second. This is all so foreign and he doesn’t know what to do or say or even how to react to such care. No one outside the two he loves has ever wanted to know about his thoughts or pain or anything else. It was always fear or awe from others or whatever kind of bragging rights or esteem they could gain from sleeping with him. Never a true interest in him, nothing besides blood and violence and the walls so thick it seems at times he will suffocate behind them… But now, this. Someone who can understand, who hurts in similar ways, who can bypass those walls, at least a little bit…
Lan slowly breaks away, slipping his hands free and stepping back while promising to stay for as long as he’s wanted. Sashi releases his hold on narrow hips, feeling slightly unsteady and ungrounded by everything that’s happening. His gaze shifts up to meet sun warmed yellow and the soft smile on the Bright’s face and then a moment later he’s passed through the door and back into the house, leaving the telepath standing alone and slightly confused. What just happened? Had he done or said something wrong? He didn’t have experience with these kinds of situations so it was more than likely that he had, even if it wasn’t his intention to do so. Maybe he should have refused the other Selestarri’s comfort, pushed him away when he came close, just stayed behind his barriers and tried to deal with it all himself… Leaning back against the support post, he tilts his head to stare up at the exposed beams on the underside of the deck’s roof. He knows he’s just lying to himself if he really thinks he could have pushed Lan away. Not when he needed the comfort and contact so badly and not with the ache inside so sharp.
The Dark brushes thick strands of black from his face and reaches for the discarded pack of cigarettes on the rail behind him. More than likely it’s his own fucked up longing that’s making this all so difficult. The part of him that is tired of being alone in the ways beyond simple companionship has only grown louder since the Bright’s arrival. He has no right to expect or want those things from a stranger, no right to force Lan to listen to his pathetic whining about being lonely. Sliding a slender stick free from the box, Sashi lights it and pulls the smoke deep into his lungs. He can’t fault the white haired Bright for wanting to get away from him once he’d sensed that kind of weakness and neediness from a stranger. Anyone in their right mind would want to get as far from him as possible.
Disgusted with himself, Sashi flicks the half burned cigarette over the rail and pushes away from the post and walks out into the snow, the driving flakes and darkness of the overcast evening sky making it difficult to see anything beyond the length of his arm. The frigid cold hits him immediately, but he continues on, moving toward the forest just beyond the well tended gardens. He doesn’t want to go back into the house just yet, so he’ll find out what that ghost wants from him. He could just teleport, but this seems more fitting a punishment for being so foolish and upsetting someone who’s supposed to be his guest. Squinting as the snow falls down like rain, he moves over the small bridge that crosses the frozen creek, the stifling white making it difficult to pick out landmarks. A solid form bumps against his legs and the Dark grasps at the nearest bush to keep himself from falling. Cold wetness nuzzles at his hand, followed by a warm tongue. Raking damp hair from his face, Sashi finds metallic gold eyes staring up at him through the whirling flakes and he runs his fingers through snow-frosted fur. [Aokiri,] he greets the Hound, relieved to find something familiar in the storm. Rescued from Nova as a tiny pup, he’d brought the animal to his home and raised him over the past couple of years. Kiri came and went as he pleased, hunting on the mountainside and avoiding anyone except the Dark. Placing his hand on the Hound’s head, he pets the large, pointed ears for a moment before asking to be taken to the forest and follows carefully as they begin to move.
The telepath’s not sure how long it takes Kiri to lead him to the woods, but it feels like an eternity. He’s shaking with cold and soaked through, the clothing he’d thrown on in the house doing little to protect him against the heavy storm. Finally the trees come into view and he steps under the snow laden branches with the Hound at his side. Kiri shakes the snow from his blue tinted coat as they stand beneath the sheltering limbs and sits beside Sashi, his head rising above the Selestarri’s waist. It takes only a moment for the phantasm to manifest, the large animal leaning into the Dark out of instinctual fear. The Selestarri ghost spreads her white wings as she solidifies, perfect green ringlets of hair falling well past her shoulders and sunset orange eyes regarding him with cool hostility. He expects nothing less from a Bright, although this one seems to be angry for whatever reason. Ignoring her for a moment, he summons an unopened box of cigarettes and pulls a fresh one to his lips, taking his time to light it before meeting her cold gaze with one of his own. Her glare is fierce, but he’s so numb with cold and self-loathing that it has little effect. Exhaling a long stream of smoke, he draws out the magical patterns that will allow them to converse, the tattoos on his forearms and palms immediately beginning to tingle. Opening the telepathic channel, Sashi speaks the required ritualistic words of greeting and then falls silent.
[I want to see my partner.] She says without hesitation, her tone demanding. [Why he’s anywhere near you I don’t know or care, but you’re the first to be around him in all these years and I want to see him.]
Lan… He should have known that the white-haired Bright’s partner would appear at some point, although the realization that this particular ghost is her twists something deep inside him. [You’re dead,] he states simply, taking another drag of the cigarette as his free hand slides down to reassure Kiri. [Would you cause him more hurt instead of allowing him to heal?]
Orange eyes narrow, the look she gives sharp enough to cut glass. [You are bound in service.]
There is nothing he can say in response because she’s right; he is tied to the realm of Eviternity through his magic. He really doesn’t want to do this, although he’s not sure why. Shouldn’t he be happy to be able to grant this to the person who was so kind to him just a short time ago? Why should he care if they see one another? After a few minutes he nods. [Tomorrow morning, at the old shrine on the mountain.] The ghost’s only reply is to fade from view.
Suddenly exhausted and hurting with cold and things he can’t even name, Sashi brings up the magic to teleport, the forest replaced almost instantly with the darkened hallway of his home. Kiri still stands beside him, the large animal silent as metallic gold eyes gaze up at him. Covered in snow and shivering hard, the Dark finishes off the cigarette and then moves toward the far end of the house, his magic spreading out to pinpoint the location of his guest. Standing in the doorway of the study for a moment, the Hound behind him, Sashi doesn’t wait for sun warmed eyes to fall on him before speaking. [Your partner wishes to see you tomorrow morning.] Turning before a reply can be made, he walks away, an ache springing up hard in his chest. He feels hurt and stung raw, wanting to cry again although he doesn’t know why. He shouldn’t care about all this, he really shouldn’t, but saying it doesn’t make it actually happen. The bathroom door slides quietly open and he steps inside and shuts it as Kiri settles down on the hardwood floors of the hall…
Lan: the Bright sits in stunned silence for a few minutes after Sashi has left him, the words of his partner wanting to see him taking a while to soak completely in as they continue to stream through his head. Yellow eyes shift down and damaged fingers slide up to rake into messy white strands. He knows the Dark is a Warden, knows he could have found her for him but he never expected… would never have asked… And yet after he’d left him, the telepath did and now, after all these years of dreaming to be able to see her again, he will finally be able to…
Pulling his fingers free of his hair, Lan quickly rises to his feet, moving swiftly out into the darkened hallway and heading in the direction of the Dark’s room. Stopping short when he reaches the bathroom, sun warmed eyes travel down to a creature he hadn’t seen the likes of in years far longer than he can even remember, sitting by the door. Blue tinted fur shines in the minimal light as the Hound rises immediately to its feet, metallic gold eyes meeting his gaze soon after as it takes on somewhat of an aggressive stance towards him. The white haired Selestarri spends a few moments simply staring before a smile forms on his lips and he kneels down, slowly sliding a long arm out and tilting his palm up for the creature to take. [I only want to speak with him] he says softly and the aggressive stance lasts only a moment longer before it steps forward, sniffing the stationary man cautiously. The creature’s head bows in the slightest and Lan reaches forward, slipping scarred fingers across the Hound’s muzzle and giving it a few gentle strokes before pulling away and straightening to move past it.
Yellow eyes stare at the closed door and he spends a few moments listening to the sounds of the water running within before he leans forward to touch his hands at the slatted thick paper door. The Bright’s forehead touches the cross sections of wood and he closes his eyes, allowing the whispered words that leave him to carry to the one he knows is resting inside. “Thank you… for everything…” Lan’s eyes reopen and he pushes himself free of the door, turning around and making his way towards his room as the blue coated Hound settles back in its previous place behind him.